EDUCATION - NO WORSE Fears that education levels may have slipped have been allayed recently after a study of six fine young men from Dover. The group went on to great things despite the best efforts of their teacher to be one of the lads.
Of the six, one went on to become a fighter pilot in the RAF, one a missionary, one an optician (spot the one who couldn't see that cardigans have never been in) and one a connoisseur of lap dancing. A spokesman for the school said "at least it reflects the cultural diversity present in our society", until it was pointed out that there was a decided lack of women present. That's boys schools for you...
Dr Who became embroiled in controversy yesterday surrounding his finances. Having posted losses for the 2000 years up until 2003, the Inland Revenue is now investigating possible tax evasion and misrepresentation over this period. Matters came to light when the IR realised that what it thought was an appropriately (police-box) sized home, was in fact a luxury fourteen-bedroom mansion with nine toilets inside. According to accountancy guru Mr Puddledick-Pain, the matter revolves around the use of depreciation for the Doctor's home and workplace, the Tardis. "Well, its useful economic life (UEL) is infinite, as it can jump forward to the end of time and still perform at the highest level. Unfortunately under UK GAAP (and we must assume Galifrean GAAP is very similar) you cannot justify non-depreciation of a fixed asset, other than land, by the "infinite UEL" argument." As the reporter dozed off, Puddledick-Pain continued, "In reality the Tardis's ultimate residual value would be zero, as there will be no market for anything at the end of time. So, the Tardis should have been depreciated over 50 years rather than the 20,000 that is currently being used. In fact, Dr Who's accounts should be quite a low risk audit, as any estimates, contingencies or other uncertainties could be confirmed by simply going forward in time to see what actually happened. Very handy. Of course, he could go back in time and fiddle things..." Despite Mr Puddledick-Pain's insights, the IR has decided not to use his services to investigate Dr Who. "We don't need some old alcoholic to help us out," a spokesman claimed. "Once we get hold of Dr. Who's postcode we'll be round his house like a shot."
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EXCLUSIVE! First pictures of Luke William Luke was born on 26th August, weighing in at 7lb 4oz.
Read the story of the birth from the other side of the bed! Maximillian Wilson Newall was born a little before Luke - click on the photo below to see the face of the proud young mother in full motion video.
FOR MORE PICTURES MAX CLICK HERE SILLINESS - DON'T DO IT
Anti-silliness campaigners have issued a warning today that silliness can be dangerous. Its new hard hitting advertising campaign is aimed at showing how to behave correctly in a range of different situations, in order to deter the easily led from being easily led. "I'm sure it's the same for a lot of people," a Sensible League spokeswoman said. "You take a normally, well adjusted male - or even sometimes a female, put them with another one and before you know it they're being silly. That's silly, not funny - there is a big difference." The silliness the Be Sensible League (BSL) is trying to stamp out is considered more subversive than the normal walking in strange ways and talking in strange voices. This more dangerous type of silliness is characterised by crying tears of laughter when no one else can understand why, talking complete nonsense for hours, or, the most evil of all, touching tongues. This last type of silliness is the worst because is masquerades behind the guise of a management tool. "It's ridiculous," according to the BSL. "I mean, it wouldn't be a problem if the electric tongue affect could be transferred to the bedroom, but it isn't. What's more, those tongue warts are a bugger to get rid of." |
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Office wisdom, imparted from the man who knows: 
